I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
