Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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