So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
