Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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