The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
