I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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