I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize