You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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