I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
