how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
being pregnant is like rehab
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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