K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
