I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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