I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
God, I missed his penis.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
