90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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