Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
