watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
