I didn't shave. On purpose
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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