Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
