Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why do cheetos always look like penises
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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