Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
