someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
