he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
