I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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