I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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