If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
