Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
