we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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