two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
