fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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