Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
