Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
