mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
