I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
