I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I looked at my own cervix.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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