So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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