God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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