I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
