haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
