Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
