Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
