life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize