I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
