hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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