I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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