Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
