Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
