that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
