now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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