He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
