listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize