anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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