I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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