Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
