finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
