I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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