he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
