The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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