I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I could fuck to npr.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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