I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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