Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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