My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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