just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
