Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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