I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
