When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
