Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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