last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
