who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
false alarm. still invincible.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
