She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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