a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
