Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
