so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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